I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
