Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
