Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
