my phone needs a breathalizer
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
