Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
