i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize