when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
