Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
