apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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