She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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