TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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