The maid of honor just puked.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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