It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
