life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
