His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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