I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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