so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
