i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
