Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
