Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize