glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
two words...techno handjob
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
