I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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