The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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