My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
