tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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