im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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