Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize