with your own penis?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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