I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
