I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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