I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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