The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
