I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize