I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
