I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
