Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
