I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
