So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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