if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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