Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
