she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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