Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
