then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
pop tarts are not kleenex
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
