Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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