Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
