I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
