census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
