I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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