sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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