There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
we're so committed to being not committed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
