I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
