Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
