i jhust puked up my retainher.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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