i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
