ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
