She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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