I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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