my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
