Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
